The war in Afghanistan has dragged on for over a decade now. What that means is that a whole punch of fourth graders can honestly say, “I have never been alive in a time when my country was not at war.” And fuck those kids for lucking into a really dark, edgy backstory. But it also means the public is getting restless about sending out troops home. Luckily, Rear Admiral Harrison Crispex has been tasked with forming a plan to reduce the number of American soldiers stationed in Afghanistan.
“Well shit, we really put our heads together on this one,” said General Crispex, “as we say in the army, occasionally in the navy, and rarely in the coast guard: this was one tough cookie to bomb the living shit out of.” Lieutenant Crispex has already had to scrap several plans, including one where all of the commanding officers would close their eyes and count to 17 million while their troops sneak into bordering countries. “Turns out that’s pretty much illegal…or at least most people would consider it an act of aggression,” Sergeant Crispex whined, “Haven’t you assholes ever heardof hide and go seek!?”
Proving his strategic brilliance, Colonel Crispex was quick to come up with alternatives. “It seemed natural to kind of gerrymander this one. If we could naturalize the soldiers as Afghani citizens, then technically we’d be reducing the American military presence and increasing the country’s ability to become a thinly-veiled imperialist puppet state,” said Private Crispex. However, this stroke of genius was snuffed out when it was discovered that the government building responsible for giving citizenship tests had been demolished several years ago by indiscriminate carpetbombings.
“Well, we can’t just let everyone leave. That’s tantamount to admitting defeat,” proclaimed Double Colonel Crispex, “So we had to use my least imaginative plan—have them kill each other.” As justification, Commando Crispex cited the finite number of expendable U.S. military personnel in a draftless era, as well as the insurgent forces’ truly lackluster pace in ending the lives of the soldiers already stationed overseas. “The troops would be given the opportunity to die for their country and be defeated by the greatest military in the world. It would recude the troop presence by an estimated 100%,” said Crispex, who was stripped of his rank after admitting that he changed his last name to reflect his favorite breakfast cereal. “There’s a great deal of patriotism in knowing when your country needs you to kill a while bunch of your friends or commit suicide,” Harrison Crispex said, hastily backing a suitcase and boarding a plane to Dubai.
When asked if he wouldn’t rather go home to his family, Bravo Team Captain James T. Kirk, a New Orleans native and father of four stationed in Kabul said, “Go back to America?! Fuck no! Have you seen the job market in shithole recently? My ass has been on the line for ten long years; at the least those schmucks could have sured up some cushy job sweeping floors in a public middle school. Thanks for the offer,” Kirk said, removing the pin from the grenade has was cradling, “But I’ve got kids to think of.”
