Oh hey David, funny to see you here, at my door, to the house where I live. Of course I know I invited you here.
Here’s the thing: I thought about it, and I really don’t want to lend you my House: Season 2 DVD box set. I mean, first off, I lent you my coffee maker almost four days ago and you still haven’t returned it. What do you mean ‘That’s why you invited me over here’? Oh…well thank you for giving that back so promptly, even if I had to remind you. In no way is it my fault that you couldn’t bother hiring a catering company for your mother’s funeral. Oh, don’t start crying. I understand that you’re still in mourning, but your tears are going to ruin my coffee maker. It’s raining outside? I don’t see how that changes whether you’re crying on my coffee maker, but I suppose you’re right, I ought to invite you in. That would be the neighborly thing to do. Here, dry yourself off with this sheet of bubble wrap. Since you gave back my coffee appliance, you should know that the real reason I’d rather not lend you my House: Season 2 box set is for emotional reasons. That season aired at a very rough time in my life, while I was still working at the sandpaper factory. The struggles that doctors House, Chase, Cutty, Foreman, Wilson, and Cameron overcame over those nine short weeks really impacted me. I understand that you’re going through some trauma yourself right now, with the death of your ugly mother and your fiancé leaving you on your wedding day for a transvestite. But I just don’t think I’m ready to part, physically, with this object of my affection.
You think we should watch the whole season together? That’s a grand idea. It sounds like almost as much fun as if I just sat down and watched it by myself. I’ll grab the DVDs from my bedroom. In the meantime, why don’t you brew us a cup of coffee? Try not to get any of that rainwater on my carpet. I should also warn you that I don’t have any coffee grounds in my pantry because I haven’t gone grocery shopping in three months. As far as food goes, the only thing left to eat is bubble wrap. I really hope you didn’t throw out that wet bubble wrap from before. No matter. If you want coffee, you should run across the street to your place and get some. I’ll leave the door locked, so make sure to knock eight times. You’re right, the coffee really isn’t necessary. Mmm, soak in that new DVD smell. So I never unwrapped them? That doesn’t mean I can’t have a sentimental attachment. So maybe an ex-girlfriend of mine bought them for me and I didn’t want to watch them out of spite. And maybe it’s possible that I never watched the show House in the first place—ever—and I thought this piece of shit Christmas gift was the perfect example of how she never knew the real me. Does that really change anything now? Does it?
I’m glad you made yourself comfortable, sitting on the shelf of the armoire. The lack of furniture is something most people would apologize for, but I stopped caring about the squalor of my life a long time ago. Let me just take the cellophane off of these House DVDs. I’m also going to eat that cellophane, so if you could do me the courtesy of looking away, I would appreciate it. Since we’re just diving right into this, do you think you could catch me up on what happened in season 1?
Thanks, you’re a true neighbor.
