After dropping the football program in 2009 and being without a football team—or greasy football fans—for the last two years, Hofstra is reintroducing football to their sports repertoire. ”It’s been a long time coming”, says Hofstra President Stuart Rabinowitz. “After two years of no football, the standard college campus ratio of homicidal football fans to sane people was getting dangerously low, especially for a university of this standing. I mean, even fucking Liberty University has a football team, and you know how they feel about minorities, physical contact, and fun.”
After citing nauseatingly low levels of face paint, foam fingers, synchronized screaming, shirtless men, and arson on campus, the Long Island university decided that this was “no way” for a college campus in America to be run, and opted to swiftly and immediately reinstitute its football team, along with the shitty football fans that come along with it. “No American university campus is complete without a nice old fashioned, blood-and-tear strewn sports riot, and studies have shown time and time again that football is the sport that brings it, and brings it hard.” After starting up again, recruitment for the team was a breeze, officials reported. “We just went around campus, signing up the guys we deemed the most likely to get a neck tattoo and/or be indicted on charges of operating a dog fighting ring in the near future.” Since the pigskin has started flying again, the campus has reported increased amounts of nacho consumption and chest hair exposure.
